#46 | Should we resist our desires, really?
Hello friend -
I often have tough times knowing what I want.
It is not easy for me to permit myself to want something beautiful without feeling guilty afterward. I either wish for nothing or find it impossible to choose out of all the options. It can be so frustrating.
Some people have no problem with wanting something, be it another dress, a better bag, a new job, etc. Yet, no, matter how good they are at getting what they want, they are never satisfied. Even when they get what they want – the joy does not last. They soon find themselves wanting more.
Which type are you?
Desire. We all know what it feels like to want something. It can either fuel everything we do, say, think. Or it can torture us day and night. There is something about wanting which can either make us fly or burn us to ashes.
A few years ago, I learned that in eastern psychology, desire is believed to be one of the causes of suffering. I remember I could not wrap my head around it and instinctively would resist this principle. "Does it mean that I should deny and resist all my wants?" – I would insist. – "Wouldn't life become dull and tasteless if we want nothing? Isn't it thanks to our wants that we, as humanity, made so much progress?"
Back then, I had a very surface-level understanding of the principle. Today, it makes perfect sense to me.
1. The goal is not to resist or suppress all the wants and desires, but learning to be free from them is essential. The pain comes when our desires define us when our wishes captivate us. Think of a person who can't say no to another piece of cake, who is always on the lookout for a better, newer phone, who can't stay with one partner for longer than a few weeks.
2. The intention is to understand what stands behind your desire. What fuels it? What quality? What energy?
How often our desires and wishes are driven by vanity, greed, fear, envy? And, unfortunately, when these qualities drive us, we will never be satisfied. Even when we achieve something we want, the joy will last too short. Soon again, like hungry ghosts, we will want the same thing again.
3. At the same time, desires which are driven by kindness, compassion, aspiration, love, and other wholesome qualities of mind and heart – are more likely to bring a feeling of fulfillment and joy. And yes, you can do great things being driven by these qualities.
4. In mindfulness meditation practice, we can train our capacity to see the power of a desire over us. We learn to see what stands behind it? What quality? We learn to watch how different desires arise and dissipate. We develop a muscle of mindfulness around what desires fulfill us and which are empty.
5. Every time you close your eyes in your practice, you may notice that all of a sudden, you want to move, or to finish that cake in the fridge, or to have another coffee. All these desires are pretty harmless, but it is your true superpower to be able to watch them come and go without being controlled or moved by them.
I know that this topic can be controversial. We love our desires, don't we? That's why the final invitation in this email is to simply notice your wants in your daily life. Become aware of them and how much power they have over your thoughts, emotions, actions. Learn which of them fulfill you and which of them keep you still hungry.
Let me finish with this quote by a poet Kabir: “I laugh when I hear the fish in the sea is thirsty”
Enjoy your day. Enjoy being.
Katia